


Look up

by DrJLecter



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Episode: s03e05 Die Trying, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, M/M, Missing Scene, New Beginnings, Remembrance, Reminiscing, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Trill Culture (Star Trek), post-episode: s03e05 Die Trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrJLecter/pseuds/DrJLecter
Summary: Admiral Vance  attempts to deal with the return of the Trill he loved and mourned.
Relationships: Admiral Vance/Senna Tal
Comments: 22
Kudos: 28





	Look up

**Author's Note:**

> So, I watched that episode and those few moments of Admiral Vance and Adira Tal meeting just did not leave me alone. There is clearly so much more in that "familiar" he threw into Adira's face. So my brain got stuck on this and I had to write it to move on.
> 
> I wrote this in about two hours, so of course it's not beta read. Apologies if there are awful grammar mistakes. English is not my mother language.
> 
> Update: I tweaked some things after I have seen the finale of s3. Not real big spoilery things, but with new personal information you might not know when you haven't see it. I refused to let them sink my ship just like that :D

***

Admiral Charles Vance, Commander in Chief, let himself drop into his seat with a deep sigh. 

Today had been... A Day. 

Well, most of his days were like that, but today had been special in more than one aspect.

The arrival of the Discovery had stirred up a lot of emotions in the people around him. 

Wonder. Mistrust. Doubt. Hope. 

He wasn't sure what to feel yet. 

A ship from the past so far back that it seemed to be more of a fata morgana than an actual fact. He still didn't fully believe that they were what they said they were, but all interviews and scans supported their words, as crazy as it seemed. And their actions today had at least dispersed his most immediate concerns of trickery and a threat. 

But with that ship had come another ghost to haunt him. 

He had barely managed to let the past be past, to accept the fact that he would never see Senna Tal again. The man he had loved and spent years of his life with had been lost and dead and mourned. And then the scans showed him on the bridge of the Discovery. 

It was one of the rare moments his training and self control had almost slipped and the sound of his thundering heart must have been clear to everyone around him. 

He got up and walked towards the window to stare out into the bright vortex holding Starfleet Headquarters together, each luminescent streak connecting one of the ships to its core. 

Senna Tal had always looked at it with awe, while he had barely seen the wonder in it after just a few months of being here. 

"Private Room Setting 3," he said into the quiet space and turned around to see the programmable matter making up his work desk dissolve into the ground and reform into a comfortable looking living room setting. Couch, arm chairs, a low table. A small dining area. Senna had teased him about the sparse setting, so he'd added a ceiling lamp, a plant, a fruit bowl and a painting on the wall. It had made Senna laugh even more. 

Vance sat down at the corner table and stared at the 3D chess board. 

It was a mid-game set-up. It had been Senna Tal's turn before he was supposed to leave Earth and return to Headquarters.

They'd been playing this game for over a year. With the distance between them and without the subspace relays, a message could take up to weeks and that was only if enough Starfleet ships or allies were in between them to forward the messages. It had been a good distraction since his family had left him for a safer place.

Charles closed his eyes and sagged into the chair, all energy sucked from him suddenly.

"Whiskey. Protocol 2." 

A whiskey glass with gently swinging auburn liquid appeared in front of him. He picked it up and took a deep breath of the burning alcohol. 

Senna Tal had introduced him to the fine taste of real alcohol when they'd met for the first time. He'd showed him how to bypass the health and security protocols on their first evening out. They'd both met at the Academy but Senna had already been joined with Tal, packed to the brim with memories and experiences from previous Starfleet officers. He had several years on Vance and was a professor in a different field of study back then. Vance had marvelled at the knowledge and class of the guy who drank him under the table regularly and was all the more surprised when they’d ended up becoming friends. And more. 

He took a small sip and let the alcohol glide over his tongue and closed his eyes to fully appreciate the full spectrum of flavours before it burned hot down his throat. 

Vance had often wondered what had drawn Senna Tal to him. They’d made such an unusual pair. The gentle and kind Trill and the aloof and ambitious human. He’d asked once, when he was frustrated and annoyed after a reprimand of his superior officer, convinced he’d never get his own ship, few as they were, feeling so very young and incapable. 

_  
“Why are you even putting up with me?” he spat, pacing his hand clenched around a tumbler, the liquid sloshing dangerously._

_Senna Tal chuckled where he sat in front of the old fashioned work screen._

_“Where is that coming from, Charles?”_

_He shrugged. A careless gesture he usually kept in check and didn’t fit to his usually so prim posture. It had been a long day, they had lost one of their ships to the Orion Syndicate and things looked even more bleak than on a normal day. He was tired._

_“Charles,” Senna Tal said and stood up. His tone was suddenly serious._

_Vance turned around, surprised._

_“Why are you here, Charles?” Senna Tal stepped closer, his face earnest._

_“Here? You invited me over. Do you want me to go?”_

_The Trill cracked a smile at that._

_“Don’t be silly. Why are you here, on this station? Why do you stay with Starfleet and the Federation? Why do you pursue a career here?”_

_Vance frowned. He thought about the chaos outside the small remnant of Federation headquarters: the anarchy, the fear, the brutality. Greed and power imbalances had pushed the galaxy into turmoil where the weak and powerless were exploited and killed. Nobody cared about them._

_“Where else would I be? Only here I have the chance to change the situation.”_

_Senna Tal smiled then, wide and joyful and proud._

_“This, my dear, is why I put up with you, as you so eloquently put it.”_

Vance placed his empty glass on the table, his heart aching and his anger surging for a moment. A few weeks after that evening Senna Tal had been transferred to a diplomatic mission. His knowledge of several life times was needed to get back into contact with planets and species they’d had lost after the burn. 

They saw each other once every other year at most since then; distances were too great and seemed to become vaster the more powerful their enemies became. Senna Tal always wrote long letters, recorded videos and brought little trinkets from his missions. Always so sentimental and Charles had loved to tease him about it. 

Charles got up and walked into his bedroom. He stared at the shelves and cupboards full of figurines, photos and whatever Senna had decided to send him. He'd only gotten them out again when his wife and daughter had left. It had felt wrong to have them share the space. He had loved his wife dearly, but Senna Tal had always been the first love he hadn't been able to forget.

It had been hard to accept that he would never see him again. 

The assignment to Earth had caused displeasure in Vance, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to convince Senna Tal to take other missions. Closer to Headquarters and with planets less hostile. But Senna had been one of the biggest advocates for the mission to uphold contact with Earth despite them leaving the Federation and so he had accepted that decision with anger brewing in his heart. 

Vance stepped closer to the shelf and picked up one of the displayed photos. It was a younger Senna Tal standing in front of a huge tree, a smile on his face. He’d told Vance that this was the tree both of his previous hosts who’d been Starfleet officers had studied under on Earth. Charles remembered how that story had melted some of his anger. He had been happy for Senna to return to the places he’d only seen in memories that weren’t his own. 

Then the situation had turned for the worse. The Emerald Chain had popped up as a player in the local Quadrant and for the last decade they’d sabotaged every attempt from the Federation to gain back ground they had lost and recently they didn’t just hinder steps forward, they forced them to take steps back. 

In addition, attacks on Earth had started and the mood had shifted towards isolation and protection. Senna Tal had been asked to leave and prepared his departure, albeit reluctantly. Communication had been almost impossible at that point and he only realized that Senna hadn’t been on the planned route when the ship reached the first checkpoint and he hadn’t been on board. 

“Sentimental fool,” he whispered and put the photo back down. 

For three years now, he had known Senna Tal would not come back. 

Today of all days, in the midst of chaos and death, he had stepped back into his life. 

She had. 

_They_ had. 

They had stared up at him with big eyes and a round youthful face and dared to say Senna’s name. They dared to speak his name and talk about the Trill's love for snow on Earth while he struggled to get air into his lungs and not break down in front of them, begging them to bring back the man he had loved. 

_”Familiar”_ is what he had called it and had seen a light shutter down in their eyes. 

Vance took a deep breath. He should sleep. There were only a few hours left before his morning started with meetings and clean-ups and strategy discussions. 

“Sleepwear, setting…” he hesitated for a moment. “Sleepwear setting one.”

He felt silly, _sentimental_ , as he felt his uniform fall away from his body to be replaced by soft flannel. It had been Senna’s favourite. 

Turning around to lay down in his bed, he saw the Discovery glide past his window. The ship looked almost skeletal and klutzy compared to the elegant designs of the latest generations. Adira Tal was on that ship, carrying the memories of everything the previous hosts had seen. Adira was carrying _their_ memories. His and Senna’s. 

He put his head on his pillow and closed his eyes.

Senna had explained it to him. How it worked with the symbiont and the hosts and Vance tried to remember his words. What he remembered was Tal’s sadness of losing friends. People who weren’t Trill usually had a hard time dealing with a new face or the changes in a beloved person when they got joined. 

He was ashamed to admit he was one of them. Senna Tal had accepted the news of his relationship and upcoming wedding with a sad smile but with happiness in his words. _I hope she will take good care of you," he'd said, and here he was struggling with something that was as natural to Trill as breathing._

__

__

Vance wondered what Senna would say to that. 

Maybe he had always known how he would struggle with it. 

Vance remembered the stark disappointment in Adira’s face and he realized that he already knew what Tal thought of him. Because Senna Tal was right there in the body of the young human, in their memories. 

He sat up with a gasp, his heart beating quickly. He felt his eyes burn with the threat of tears. He didn’t know when he’d cried the last time. He hadn’t even cried for Senna. 

A tear slipped down his cheek. 

Senna was dead. But Senna Tal was here. In Adira. 

Maybe he could make his peace with that. He _should_ make his peace with it, because he had a feeling that the USS Discovery was here to stay and the ship and its crew would punch like a thunderstorm through the galaxy to clear the air with thunder and lightning and hope. 

He looked back out of the window. The Renaissance was waiting. 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Now that this is out of my head I will return writing for all my Untamed WIPs :D


End file.
